I managed to sort myself out this week. I have set a plan to lose at least 1lb a week and the weeks I'm on holiday I must lose 2lbs. I have managed to lose and I now weigh in at 124lbs. Still a large, disgusting number but at least it is slowly going down.
Not much happening in my life. It's sort of on hold really as these are my last months of school left. I really have to push myself to get the best marks I can. It's a bit depressing, studying. I revised it once and my brain doesn't want to go back and look at it again, it's already seen it and it didn't like it the first time.
THINSPO OF THE DAY
I absolutely adore Mary-Kate and I honestly do wish I could be skinny yet elegant like she is. She is my Thinspiration.
I consumed around 700 cals today and I've been on the stair stepper burning 500 cals. So in all 200cals today which I am proud of. However this evening, I'm sick. I've have diarrhea twice and I feel I may need to go again. I suppose the upside is I am in no mood to consume any calories and all I seem to be able to do is lay around. I had serious stomach pain when I got home and that pain has been my motivation to eat healthy and eat very little. School work is slowly but surely starting to reduce as exams come close. I am panicking though, I want to get into university so bad but I'm worried I won't be cut out for it.
Meh.. sleepeh time
I Binged. And I couldn't Purge. I fucking Binged. My stomach has blown up and I'm bloated and ugh. Let this post be a reminder to me next time i feel the urge to eat.
I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate until I realised what I had done and couldn't undo the damage. Oh I have never felt my heart sink deeper than what it did today. I let myself down. I promised myself today would be the day I would start a new and become who I wanted to be. But NO. My fat ugly mug had to stuff itself again and again and again and again. NO MORE! No more saying I will start again, No more saying tomorrow is a fresh start NO. 15th February is the day I turn things around for me. I cannot fuck up, I must not fuck up or I shall be a failure for the rest of my life.
From
The Fat Fucking Failure
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Another One Bites the Dust! This song has been stuck in my head all day at college yesterday. Not a bad song to be walking around singing I must say :) But it did have me walking funny cos I was walking to the beat in my head. I looked like I was either in pain in the rectal area, or trying..TRYING.. to be gangster.
Today wasn't great. I b/p about 4 times and I feel absolutely disgusting. I did however, go on the stair-stepper and burned 500 calories because I'm not too sure how much I consumed. I'm also going to do crunches. Around 50. I have to practice doing crunches cos I'm not used to them. Because of my atrocious behavior today, I have decided to fast tomorrow.
I'm fed up of looking in the mirror and despising what I see. I'm going to get down to 100lbs. Thats that. I want that waif look that Kate Moss has. I find it perfect. I'm hell bent on being like that. I've been watching Fashion TV all day and its given me the motivation I need to lose those damned 26lbs of fat hanging to my body. They must melt away by the 1st of July when I leave to go to university. If it hasn't gone by then I'll take it as a sign that I am a failure and will be for the rest of my life. I know that sounds a little eccentric but its my motivational push to get to where I want to be.
I have so much work to do its unbelievable. I have to apply to university, I have to complete all my assignments, I have to revise for exams, I have to keep my weight down and the list goes on. I can't wait for June/July when I can flop down and relax but until then its go go go.. the up side is I tend to forget to eat when I'm always on the go.
I've never been happy with my weight, and I have had a love-hate relationship with food for over two years now. I can't really point out where it started, I just sort of woke up one day and realised I was fat. And I'm not saying that from my point of view, I did have a normal BMI but it was about 2 units under overweight and that was probably my trigger. From that point on my weight has risen and fallen and well risen back up again, not ad bad as it was, but it's still not great. So this is the point of my blog, to help me to get back down to my desired weight. All my stats have been posted up on the side bar and I'll keep it accurate. I don't wish to be underweight, infact my goal weight is considered a normal BMI, but its a lot closer to the underweight limit than it is the overweight limit. Obvious I know, just thought I should mention it anyway. This is a new beginning for me as I start University in September and I want to reach my UGW so I can get off to a great start there. I suppose this is my preparation for University along with studying and finishing school. I just want to finally be able to look at myself in the mirror and see what I have wanted to see for so long, a skinny me. Me being fat has caused a lot of problems for me, I don't go out with friends because I feel hideous, I don't wear bikinis or shorts. I'm always in baggy huge t-shirts that look like dresses. I do self harm. I usually slice my hip and press down on the cuts whenever I am about to eat. Sometimes I press down on them just to remind myself of what I want, to give me a little kick in the right direction. Yeah, a bit too much information there. Right well, my new beginning starts tomorrow (Monday) and well wish me luck :)
